Life Update V.01 | 2025-01-26
I am really struggling to find the point of anything. Let’s use my room as an example. There’s a pile of clothes that has been sitting on a corner table for more than a week and I have no will to put those clothes in the drawer. Why? Because I don’t care. I can do whatever I want, and not doing anything is part of that. I have lots of unread books in my wardrobe, and picking up any book to read feels like lifting a boulder. Even when I tried to, my mind got off track and I had to read the same page more than three times. I don’t see the point in finishing those books. Why even read? Am I going to use any of that knowledge? I won’t ever be in any social situation where I need to say anything important that requires prior knowledge.
This absence of meaning completely killed my creativity. I can’t imagine anything. Even this text is difficult to write. I used to have lots of ideas and I even had a Tor hidden service (I used to host a blog over there). Due to some life circumstances (working 9 to 5) I abandoned that project. I forgot good ideas I had. I wasn’t an incredible artist. I am just a regular dude who sometimes has ideas (or at least I used to).
Maybe part of the problem is that I don’t suffice my basic needs properly. My sleep schedule is all over the place, I don’t eat at the right moment neither do I drink the right amount of water (although I’ve been drinking a lot since it’s FUCKING BURNING HOT IN THIS SHITHOLE OF A PLACE I LIVE), I rarely brush my teeth (I usually fall asleep before I have the opportunity to do it), I don’t go on walks and I don’t exercise (asides from a few push ups when I want to remember basic training). The only reason I don’t completely neglect everything is because of the consequences. I take showers because it is fucking hot in here (I wish I lived in Siberia) and go to the bathroom because not peeing hurts (trust me I have gone long periods without peeing while on guard duty). Even changing these circumstances which are completely under my control feels pointless. “Fuck it. Who cares. It doesn’t matter” is my usual mentality.
My current routine is just wake up, comsoom videos (while not even enjoying it but still being hooked like an addict), eat, sleep, repeat. I have gone down this spiral since leaving active service. It’s not like I have PTSD or anything. I was in for a year and only worked in the office (making spreadsheets, coffee and pretending to work because I still had to be there even when there was nothing to do). Now I don’t really know what to do. I’ll probably be in university in a few months since I got approved, but even that doesn’t seem like an objective. I don’t even know if I’ll enjoy the major I was able to get accepted to.
I usually write some pessimistic shit then I realize things are not that bad. This is my chance to completely change this situation. The only thing holding me back from conquering the world is myself. I should challenge myself to do things just because, regardless if I see any value in them. Maybe, just maybe, I gotta have a troll mentality. Like as if I had some enemy who wanted me to be as weak as possible and then pissing off that enemy by improving myself. Actually there is an enemy. Call it the Antichrist, the establishment, the satan-loving pedophiles that control the world. I’m a fucking schizo, but I know for sure that evil people are out there. If that wasn’t true, the concept of “you will own nothing and you will be happy” wouldn’t exist. The wise say every man needs something to fight for. Maybe that’s what I need, even though I believe there’s nothing worth fighting for and everything will just collapse eventually (despite whether nothing ever happens).
